I also started playing in the Montgomery County Youth Soccer League. I was one of just a couple girls in that entire league, but still managed to win league MVP when I was 8. Moving into middle school, I started playing slow-pitch softball in the summer, instead of soccer, and I played volleyball, basketball and threw shot put and discus in track, during the actual school year. Put that on repeat for 6th, 7th and 8th grade. I attended a few basketball camps during the summer, if we could afford them. Once I entered high school, I played varsity basketball all 4 years, varsity fast-pitch softball all 4 years, and varsity golf for two years. I missed the date for volleyball tryouts my freshman year, and figured I'd be behind my sophomore year, so I decided against playing. I was a barrel racer from the time I could enter a class on my pony, until I got too busy with being a teenager at about 15 or 16 years of age. Then my barrel horse passed away and I just never got back into it. During high school, I had college recruits attending my games and sending letters of interest to my school. These weren't all Division 1 schools, and none were a "free ride" but it still made me feel pretty good. I still chose NOT to go to college. I will explain why in a bit.
So looking back, it seems like I was always in a sport and on the move. I LOVED playing ball, I ate it, slept it and breathed it, every day of my life until I graduated high school. I went on to play softball in the top women's league in my town. However, I had to quit playing softball, just before my 21st birthday because I had broken my right foot in a pick up basketball game. Go figure.I'm giving this little backstory so I could tell you about my biggest fan, cheerleader, sounding board, encouragement giver and taxi driver to and from practices, who just happened to also be my dad. That man was at every single sporting event I think I ever participated in, from the time I started, all the way up until I broke my foot. I even mounted a come back when I was 35, thinking I could still play softball after four knee surgeries and the most recent of two shoulder surgeries, and I was pitiful, but dad still showed up. My dad kept the book, on the bench when I played Biddy Ball, my dad sat in the same spot at every home basketball game while I was in high school, he was at every soccer game at those fields near Sugar Creek, he made it to every "away" game in all of my sports, and he even walked the golf course behind me, at every one of my golf matches in high school, knowing that he couldn't talk to me during the match. He made me high carb dinners every night prior to a ballgame, made sure I had team shoes, or shooter shirts for basketball, even when he was laid off and had very little income, if he couldn't pick me up or take me to practice he made sure my Grandma Stites could, he was just amazing, in every sense of the word. Still is.
But you know what my dad didn't do, in all of those years, at all of those games or matches or events, he never yelled at me. He never raised his voice while sitting on the bleachers or sitting on the bench. He never forced me outside to shoot free throws, or play catch, or take batting practice. Actually, it was the other way around, I was always asking HIM. He never tried to "coach" me, knowing darn good and well, that I had actual coaches to do that. He trusted them, he believed in the direction they gave me, and he counted on me to follow those directions. If I screwed up, I was well aware of it, he knew that I didn't need him to tell me, besides he knew my coaches would chew my ass for it anyhow. I took the game, no matter what it was, so seriously, and so personal, that had he made discouraging remarks, it would have broke me. Would I have quit, probably not, but I had sports running through my blood, I was determined to be the best. That being said, if my dad had been on me after every missed free throw, or jump shot, or walked batter, or missed goal, or shooting 5 over par on a hole, it would have made being an athlete a lot less enjoyable, and it would have made it a lot harder for me to focus and concentrate on the task at hand. I didn't need to be worrying about what my dad was going to yell at me for, during or after the game. Believe it or not, your kids can turn out pretty successful without you yelling at them, or critiquing every move they make. Let them fail sometimes, it really does build character.
Today, the pressure parents are putting on kids, makes me glad I had the dad I did, growing up. That's not to say it didn't happen to my teammates when I was younger, because it did. A girl on my basketball team in high school, who was a year younger than me, had a dad who was known far and wide for how loud he could yell. He yelled at her, he yelled at the officials, he yelled at the coaches, it was crazy. The thing is, you could see her demeanor change, every time he lit someone up. Sometimes when she was on the bench, she would even turn around and give him a look like "really"? It was defeating for her. She may not say it, but you could see it in her eyes. I coached a 7th grade basketball team in a small community when I was in my mid twenties. I was so excited during practices, being able to teach the girls proper skills and how to see the floor and when to shoot versus when to pass the ball. It was great seeing them progress. It was great until the first game. Then their parents got involved, yelling from the stands, contradicting everything I had taught them in practice, telling them to "shoot the ball"! as soon as they crossed the 10 second line. Dude, your kid can't hit the bottom of the rim from 8 feet, what are you doing yelling at them to shoot the ball at 40 feet?!? It killed me. it happened at every, single, game. And I never coached basketball again. This is my one and only team picture, as a coach.
I have turned down coaching positions multiple times, over the past twenty years, because the parents of the kids, are ruining youth sports, period. I WANT to coach, I WANT to teach whatever I know about the game to these kids. I WANT to see them improve, and build character, and learn how to communicate with each other. I WANT to see them succeed, and I NEED to see them fail too, to see how they recover. If you aren't failing, then you aren't doing. I'm not going to yell at a kid, or demean them, for throwing a bad pitch, or missing a cut off, or striking out. I'm not going to beat a kid's confidence down because they are having a problem catching on to the motion offense, or they were playing zone when they should have been up in the face of their opponent, at the 10 second line. If a kid is lazy, or not trying, or just doesn't care, then we are going to have a conversation, and that kid will be riding the bench until he or she decides to step up. They committed to the team, and that means a commitment to working hard. But if a kid is trying, if they are making an effort to play hard, but maybe they just aren't "getting it" or they are having an off game, then so be it. Believe me, I am maybe the most competitive person you will ever meet, and I want to win, but not at the expense of a making a kid lose interest due to me acting like a jerk. You should feel the same as a parent.
LET. THEM. PLAY.
What prompted this blog topic, you might ask? Well, I decided to offer private pitching lessons this summer, thinking it would be a way I could coach, but not have a re-hash of the parent inflicted negativity. I had people show interest, but no one committed, I suppose because no one really knows who I am, or if I know what I'm doing, in my area. Most people who were interested lived in my hometown, which is a decent drive to where I am now. Regardless, I was asked to help coach a 10u fast-pitch team, that my boyfriend's daughter would be playing on this fall. I really had to swallow hard when I said I would do it, knowing what may lie ahead. Plus, Cianni has been asking me to coach for two years, so there's that. I know that everyone has good intentions and they want the best for their kiddo, but there comes a time when we all need to take a step back and decide if we are helping or hurting. Remember, there are no college scouts sitting at a 10u softball game. And keep in mind, that this is supposed to be fun for these kids. THEY ARE KIDS. Some of these girls are learning how to play softball for the first time, and that is OK!! If your kid is looking at you for affirmation or approval, or worse yet for fear of criticism, after every single action they make on the field, or basketball court or soccer field, then their focus is in the wrong place. And if their focus is in the wrong place, they won't perform to the best of their ability. Then they get discouraged, they lose confidence and they are harder to teach. If you are the reason their focus is in the wrong place right out of the gate, then you really need to re-evaluate your approach, and maybe give the kiddo a little room to breathe. LET. THEM. PLAY.
And the last thing I'm going to say, has to do with the theory that your kid has to be a "one sport" athlete or they'll never "make it" when they get to high school or beyond. Look, this idea of kids playing one sport year round and having to miss out on being a multi-sport athlete, if they want to be, just burns my ass. I played every sport I could from the time I was 6 years old, until I graduated high school. I encourage our kiddo to do the same, OR if she doesn't want to play anything, I'm fine with that too. I didn't have travel basketball or travel softball, and if we had that back then, there is NO WAY we could have afforded to do it, the cost is absurd. Remember parents, paying big bucks won't make your kid any better ,or make them work any harder, if they don't really want it. I had never even watched a fast-pitch softball game, let alone thrown a pitch, until I played in my first game, my freshman year of high school. I went out of one sport right into the next, my golf coach hated that I played softball, and my softball coach hated that I played golf. Too bad! But you know what, by playing different sports, I learned how to communicate with different types of people, in different situations, I learned leadership skills, mental toughness, teamwork and respect, for my teammates and my coaches. I was a multi-sport athlete, and I STILL had offers to play in college. I chose not to, like I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, because I over did it. I threw too much, I dove into the bleachers one too many times, and I just hurt all over, and I still do, almost 25 years later. So all of you coaches who are stealing amazing opportunities from these kids, and preventing them from bettering themselves in other areas, by threatening them with getting cut from your team, because they don't commit to ONE sport year round, knock it off!! YOU are ruining it for the kids and giving them unrealistic expectations that they are going to be super stars and have their college paid for after graduation. You are pushing them too hard. You are abusing the same muscle groups day in and day out. Back off and let them decide what they want to do, without the ridiculous pressure.
- Number of Female High School Basketball Players in US = 430,368
- Percent that will play in college = 6.2 (26,721 girls)
- 1.1% in D1, 1.1% in D2, 1.5% in D3, .8% in NAIA and 1.7% in JUCO
- Number of Female High School Softball Player in US = 374,528
- Percent that will play in college 9.3% (31,123 girls)
- 1.6% in D1, 1.6% in D2, 2.0% in D3, 1.0% in NAIA, and 2.1% in JUCO
Do we really want these kids to miss out on amazing experiences that make it fun to be an athlete, because we want them to believe they are getting a "free ride"? And the bigger question is, are we pushing them because we want it more than they do? Let's be honest, unless they are natural athletes and work themselves silly or into injuries, the odds are against a lot of these kids. Don't burn them out, don't make it about you. Being a great human is more important than being a great athlete (my dad taught me that). And don't forget to tell them after every practice, and every game, how incredibly awesome they are, and that no matter how they play, and whether they win or lose, you love them more than life. Because in the end, when the stands clear, the bats and balls are put away. and the gym lights go off, that is what matters most.
