The (Hunting) Social Dilemma

An eastern Montana sunrise on public land

I hesitated even addressing this whole idea that is being promoted by Montana hunter Matt Rinella, regarding his opinion that if you are a hunter and you are on social media talking about hunting, you are in fact ruining hunting. But I happen to be a hunter and I happen to be fairly active on social media, so I felt like my opinion on the matter holds just as much weight as his (which let’s be honest here, neither his or mine holds much weight at all, in the big picture).

If the name Rinella sounds familiar, that’s because Matt is one of two brothers to outdoor media mogul and author, Steven Rinella, of MeatEater fame. It is a strange situation with these two Montana transplants, as they are on very opposite ends of the spectrum on making hunting a public spectacle, and even more split on the idea of financial gain one may get from the act of hunting. I have met both brothers, they are very different on the surface, but it is clear when you listen to them have a conversation on Steve’s podcast, they are certainly cut from the same cloth. So how did they end up with such polarizing viewpoints on this issue? I don’t have the slightest damn idea, and I am not in a position to call them up and ask. It’s a peculiar family dynamic though, that is for sure, and also none of my business.

I met Steve Rinella at a Live MeatEater Podcast
recording in 2018.

What I can tell you is why I have a very different viewpoint from Matt entirely, and I can’t even say that my take on hunting in the public eye matches with Steve, either. What I am about to describe is simply my experience as a hunter who shares their experiences in a space for both acquaintances and strangers alike to see, to judge, to criticize, and at times, even troll. 

I should start by pointing out that Matt repeatedly uses the word “influencer” both in his article “Unfollowing Hunting Social Media Will Make Hunting Better”, and while defending his opinion on the Blood Origins Podcast he recently recorded which was released on November 22nd. I am not a social media influencer, and I don’t necessarily know what makes someone qualify for that title, but I know I don’t. However, he also repeatedly grouped anyone who hunted and posted about hunting on social media into the same destructive, evil group, so that is where I come in. 

If you have read the article or listened to the Blood Origins episode, you probably had some of the same thoughts I did, specifically “Dude pull it together for crying out loud, you’re off the rails.” You may have also been like me and really struggled getting through the podcast. I know he will be on an upcoming MeatEater episode where he will address all of this again, and while I bet it will be highly entertaining in some regards, I don’t think I can go down that road twice. But I will give my thoughts on the article itself, in the order that he makes his arguments as it is written.

The first point Matt attempts to make is pertaining to hunter numbers, hunter recruitment and how more hunters are making public land so overcrowded that in his mind, it’s “no longer worth it”. I am going to pass on the subject of new hunters in the field and his take on hunter recruitment, because if you know me, you know that my passion lies in teaching people how to hunt. Plus that fight has already taken place earlier this year, via a few different articles, and it’s a whole different subject than this social media argument. 

Teaching the daughter of a friend of mine firearm safety in my garage a few months ago.

But I will say this, when Matt talks about the public land that he hunts being overcrowded, he is not at all considering public land everywhere else in the country. He fails to recognize that he comes across very selfish and almost entitled when he constantly complains about seeing trucks at the trailhead. Has he forgotten where he came from? East of the Mississippi is an entirely different planet when it comes to the amount of public land available compared to the west, and specifically, Montana. He has more than we in the east could ever dream of. He is in his little bubble, which is a theme that carries throughout his opinion piece. 

Matt blames the “influencers'' on hunting social media for the increase of hunter numbers on already crowded public land. As I mentioned, I am not an "influencer", and to be honest, I'd have to go look to even know how many Instagram followers I have, but I will absolutely encourage someone to hunt if they have a genuine interest in learning. Not only will I encourage them, but if they are in my local area, I will take them out and teach them myself. I ask for nothing in return, except for them to be a good example of an ethical hunter moving forward.

As a side note, if I showed the list Matt cited in his essay, of the top 250 Instagram hunting influencers (https://blog.feedspot.com/hunting_instagram_influencers/) to a random selection of 1,000 hunters in my home state of Indiana, there is an excellent chance that 99% of those asked wouldn't know who any of those influencers are, including his brother Steve. So there needs to be a realization on Matt's part that just because this is the world he knows, his "bubble" if you will, whether by default because he is a Rinella, or because he associates with a lot of folks in the industry (both paid and volunteer), his accusations of those who share their hunting escapades on social media as the people who are "ruining hunting", would likely fall on deaf ears for vast majority of hunters in the U.S., outside of about six states in the west.

Matt addresses the concept that if you are a hunter who posts on social media calling yourself a conservationist, you are essentially a liar. He claims that you are actually doing more damage than good in the big picture. The fact that you are posting about hunting on public land, you are in turn, inviting thousands of other hunters into that very space and therefore you are ruining the resource. That’s a stretch in my opinion. I always post about my hunts and the general area I am hunting. I can honestly say that In the last six years that I have been doing so, I have seen zero increase of hunters where I hunt. I am speaking specifically to public land in southeast Wyoming and in eastern Montana, so obviously my viewpoints are quite limited, but at the same time, so are his. 

And while I am no Doug Duren (whom I greatly respect, met, and became friends with on social media, so therefore he must also be the enemy in this scenario), I absolutely like to think I am making a positive contribution to conservation. While I can’t be everywhere I would like to be for fence pulling events, or counting animals for game and fish agencies, I do what I can by contributing to the non-profits who are out there doing the work and volunteering locally to teach others about the importance of conservation and how they can also get involved. 

Rinella goes on to claim that social media has severely damaged our reputation among non-hunters, as well as reduced hunting opportunities. I am going to offer a big “hold up, wait a minute”, right here with the reputation part of that claim, because in my personal experience, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The notion that social media has severely damaged our reputation among non-hunters in bunk. Anti-hunters, maybe, because they are just looking for a reason, but as far as non-hunters in general, I don't think so. I have had many non-hunters reach out to me and confess that they feel differently about hunting due to how I talk about it on my social media pages. They feel that before reading my thoughts on hunting, they didn't fully understand all of the work or thoughtfulness that went into hunting, or they always thought of hunters as people who just like to kill things, with no real moral code. I even had one woman tell me that the only reason she is a non-hunter rather than an anti-hunter, is because she follows me and appreciates my passion for not just the act of hunting, but also for the animals I hunt. So, I staunchly disagree with this idea from my personal perspective.

The next claim, if you are following along in sequence, is that as hunters who kill multiple animals, we are seen by the non-hunting public as full of greed and we don’t believe these animals are a valued resource. Again, he is blaming only the hunting “influencers'' for this, but I myself kill multiple animals every year, if I’m lucky, and if anyone wants to question what I do with the meat, I will tell them. I eat it. Not only do I eat it, but I eat a lot of it. In our household, my partner, Chance, and I may put anywhere from five to nine deer in the freezer on a good year, between hunting in Indiana, Wyoming, and Montana. We eat venison four to five nights a week, we share it with friends and none of it goes to waste. 

Meat from my Montana mule deer doe I shot on public land this fall.

I like to think I surround myself with solid, ethical hunters and I can tell you that none of the hunters I know take animals that they don’t fully intend on utilizing to the fullest. And in the instance that I am introduced to someone who likes to hunt but doesn’t enjoy the meat, I make every effort to take that meat off their hands for our own freezer, or for someone in need. I can see where, if you didn’t know any better, there could be an assumption that TV personalities who kill two or three elk and a handful of deer every fall couldn’t possibly eat all of that meat, or even need it. But Matt knows as well as I do, that those “personalities” are sharing that meat with their crews, either the guys who are filming or the guys back at the office who work in post production. So again, that feels like a stretch to accuse hunters of waste in that manner.

Matt then goes on to say that he believes that hunting social media is bad for public access. This one doesn't resonate with me at all. Of all the landowners I have talked to in my ten years of being a hunter, none have ever told me that they wouldn’t give permission because social media made their land too valuable. What they did tell me, and I imagine this is the case for many private landowners across the country, is that disrespectful people are what made them stop giving permission. Hunters who left gates open that they should have closed behind them, hunters who shot things they didn’t have permission to shoot, hunters who stepped over property boundaries, causing disputes between neighbors, hunters who left garbage, hunters who didn’t remove tree stand or blinds in a timely manner, and a plethora of other reasons. 

Hunting leases have been a thing for ages, especially in states with minimal public land opportunities, dense hunting populations, and prime hunting properties that are owned by people with no interest or knowledge of hunting. All it takes is a broker to reach out and wave a price in front of their nose and they are in. Social media didn’t cause this, irresponsible hunters who once had permission but then screwed it up for the rest of us is what caused landowners to stop granting permission. For the others, it's simply dollars and cents. 

The last two things I am going to address are the two opinions of Matt’s that really irritated me the most, his claim that private land hunters deceive the new or non-hunting public because it’s like shooting domesticated livestock, and that overall, hunters on social media are blatantly dishonest. Believe me, this is just as exhausting for me to write, as it is for you to read it, but we are nearing the end, I promise.

I hunt private land in Indiana. Some of it is farmland owned by my partner’s father, which offers mediocre deer hunting at best, some of it is land that the landowners contacted me and asked me if I would be interested in hunting. Yes, you heard that right, lightning struck twice, and I jumped at the opportunity both times. So I have to ask, if I go out and hunt this private land that is surrounded by timber on all of the neighboring private properties, and I happen to kill an incredible, mature buck that was passing through, on absolute happenstance, am I to believe that by sharing that experience on social media I am deceiving new hunters or non-hunters, by trying to make them believe that that can happen to anybody? Absolutely not. And do you want to know why? Because it CAN happen to anybody. 

I shot this buck in 2020 on the very first sit on a piece of private property I had
 never stepped foot on before that afternoon. It was total happenstance.

The notion that private land hunting is a sham, is disgraceful, and somehow duping everyone, when there is absolutely no way of ever assuring what animal is going to pass through at any given time, is complete and utter bullshit. Unless it is a high fence operation, I don’t believe hunting is a sure thing no matter where you are, public or private, and it is incredibly insulting to those of us that don’t have any other options close to us, other than the private land we have been lucky enough to have permission to hunt. And as far as the people who lease land, at least around here, a small percentage get out and put in food plots or make improvements to those properties, so it is a crap shoot for them as well. Hell, most of them are only able to get out and hunt three or four times a year and even then, they may have to drive three to four hours just to get to their lease. In a state with limited public land, it may be their only option to hunt at all. I guess I’ll just keep on deceiving my social media followers, sorry Matt. 

Lastly, let’s talk about dishonesty. I personally am the first to share when I have screwed up, I mean if you do it enough, it becomes second nature. I’ll tell you that I missed the buck of a lifetime in my first season hunting because I wasn’t paying attention. I will confess that I had to shoot an animal more times than I should have, because I was lazy and didn’t check my rifle when I arrived in Wyoming one year. I always tell you if I fail to fill my tags and why. And most recently, I told everyone who follows my social media pages that I put two bad shots on a deer and lost him. I described my heartache, my frustration, my disappointment. I talked about my inability to sleep that night due to the dreams I was having about finding him, but being jarred awake each time just as I walked up on him. I talked about how I searched for him for fifteen hours over three days. I also talked about how I won’t hunt another buck this year because I know I wounded that one, and that was my one buck tag.

These bone fragments are all I found of the deer I lost two weeks ago.

My social media is not a highlight reel, whether I am posting about hunting or life in general. Being guilty by association, according to Matt, because some folks only show the positive outcome, is a broadly false accusation directed toward many of us, on his part. 

Look, I have gained some of the truest friends I could ever ask for, through social media, Nicole, SJ, I see you. I have had long, meaningful phone conversations with people I have never met in person, because we met on social media, I’m looking at you Travis Thompson. I randomly meet people for coffee as they are passing through my town, Amy, let’s do that again. I have driven across the country to sleep in the mountains and hunt with complete strangers, because of social media. I have been contacted by new hunters who just need some encouragement, because of social media. I have had writing opportunities put in front of me from people who said I talk about hunting in a way they have never heard anyone else talk about it before, and that meant something to them. I have had vegans and vegetarians reach out and thank me for attaching emotion and respect to the act of hunting, because they believed all hunters were simply cold-blooded killers that killed just for fun. 

The inaugural Deer Camp. I drove solo from Indiana to central Montana in 
2018 to camp and hunt with 17 women I never met. I was invited through social media.

Now I will tell you what I haven’t gained from social media, because these are the things Matt claims drives hunters who post on social media. I haven’t gained any sponsorships. I have never been offered free gear by a company, not once, not ever. I do not make money from posting about hunting on social media. If anything I have lost money, due to my relationship with hunting, and a substantial amount at that. If anyone wants to bring up my most recent stint of employment in the “industry”, I think it's safe to say that my entire yearly salary of barely $18.5k would be a good indicator that I'm not posting about hunting to social media to get rich. This last year has been a struggle like no other, so tell me again what my motivations are?

Matt’s opinion is his own, as is mine, and let’s tell it like it is, there are some self-serving, shitty people on social media who really only care about making money. They will lie, cheat and steal to do so. There are some whose motivations are skewed. They post for the ‘Gram and for the fame they hope they might achieve someday. But to cast that negative light on all hunters who post to their social media accounts, regarding their hunting experiences or the latest tag they filled, pictures included, is wrong and irresponsible.

But there are also a lot of amazing, honest, good people, who just like to share their experiences in the hopes that they connect with other folks who may be going through the same things in life, or in their hunting journey. I personally choose to follow real people, mostly those with jobs having nothing to do with the hunting industry. Those people aren’t selling anything, they are not out to gain social media fame or notoriety, they hunt when they can, and they are seeking knowledge from friends. They fess up to their mistakes, because they want to help someone else realize that shit really does happen to all of us and how we learn from it is what matters the most, not how many likes or followers we gain or lose because of it.

Turkey hunting on public land this last spring in Idaho.

I will keep hunting and I will keep sharing the whole damn thing on social media, you can take it or you can leave it, I really don’t care either way. But that’s just my opinion. 

Would I continue hunting, fishing, mentoring and everything the outdoors has to offer just as passionately as I do right now, without social media to share it all to? You bet your ass I would, and you know what, I wouldn’t be destroying hunting either way.

Mentoring: More Than Just A Morning in the Woods

There is a feeling one gets when they see someone fulfill a lifelong dream, or even a goal that they have been working toward for relatively short amount of time. The feeling is hard to describe, but plainly put, it’s a mix of immense pride and sheer happiness. Parents feel this when their children accomplish something, spouses feel this when their partner receives that promotion at work, and if you’re like me, you may feel this when you witness a new hunter take their first animal. 

I have had the privilege of taking several folks to the field over the past few years for their first hunt, and have experienced the “feeling” I described above, a handful of times. It could be that I simply enjoy watching other people succeed, but there is also a feeling of satisfaction that is a little self-serving at the same time. But not how you may think, this isn’t about being able to run to social media and proclaim “look what I did for so-and-so”, this goes so much deeper than anyone knowing, or even caring, that I sat in the woods with someone. 

Cianni showing off her first turkey at age 10

If you have ever gone on a journey with someone who truly wants to accomplish the taking of their first animal, but they are overwhelmed with apprehension or self-doubt, you probably understand where I am going with this. If you have never participated in the journey of a new hunter, I highly recommend it and I am happy to explain how it could completely change your relationship with hunting. 

There has been an ongoing, sometimes tumultuous discussion in a portion of the hunting community related to getting new hunters in the field. This isn’t about that, this isn’t about statistics, it isn’t about trailheads being full of pick-ups trucks, or someone taking your “spot”. This is about changing a person’s life by simply taking the time to help them learn a new skill, to encourage them, and to give them the confidence they need to continue their journey as a hunter, long after you walk away from each other. 

I think we should all make the effort to take someone new to the woods, field, or duck blind, if we are able to do so. The reason I feel that way is because I have experienced first hand the full range of emotions while watching a new hunter take it all in. There is nothing more rewarding than knowing that the time and effort you volunteered to someone, enabled them to be confident and potentially successful in a space that was so foreign to them in the beginning. You have passed on something to them that you cannot place a value on, nor is it anything that anyone can take away from them. 

But understand this; it is work, it is time consuming, and it needs to be done the right way.

If you know me, you have probably heard me say that I will take anyone hunting that genuinely has an interest in going. And that is the truth. Being a Hunter Education instructor, I am a little biased, but I want my new hunters to go through hunter education before I start mentoring them. It gives me the piece of mind that they are not only serious about this venture, but I feel safer knowing they have had their basic firearm safety course before they get in front of me with a rifle or shotgun. 

Noah with his first Whitetail.

When you agree to spend time with a potential new hunter, it goes beyond teaching them how to shoot at a target or spending a morning with them in a blind. There needs to be thorough discussions about why they want to be a hunter, about ethical decisions and what that even means. You should make sure they understand the laws and the consequences of violating those laws, and without a doubt, there needs to be a discussion about death and dying, prior to ever placing a firearm in their hands.

It is my experience that emotion is a big part of a new hunter committing to killing a living thing, and it should be. You cannot take back what you have done after you pull the trigger or let that arrow fly. You have fully and completely committed to ending a life, and you need to be in the right place mentally and emotionally, to be okay with that. 

By taking the time to have these discussions and really doing a deep dive into this person's motivation, you make a connection and develop a relationship that allows them to trust you and feel comfortable that you are going to steer them in the right direction. This isn’t a task that can be taken lightly and I have to wonder if that’s why more people shy away from it, than not.

Most of the people that I spend time teaching on a personal level are youth, although I have taken a few adults out for their first hunt. For my current job, I work specifically with adults, but for the purposes I am writing about, I’m going to stick with what I do on my own time. I have taken kids as young as eight to the woods and I have taken grown women to the woods who have their own children at home. Obviously, you approach people completely differently depending on their maturity and what they are capable of at that moment. 

Despite the uncertainty in her face, Ava loved going fishing this summer!

Nonetheless, they are all introduced to hunting the same way when we start out. We sit in my garage and have “the talk”. I remind them; boy, girl, man or woman, that death is final, and if they have any apprehensions about killing something, we need to take a step back and take a little more time until they are comfortable with that. If they assure me they fully understand the consequences of pulling the trigger, we move on. 

I always go over firearm safety at nauseum, almost to the point that they could go home and confidently teach it to their own family members, and I won’t ever apologize for my emphasis on that. We also talk in-depth, about shot placement, using diagrams and targets that are stuck to our garage freezer, but offer a great visual to the aspiring hunter. If you are a hunter, you will inevitably make a bad shot on an animal at some point, it happens, and you will never forget it. However, the more education you have to prevent it from happening, the more confident you will be when you pull your rifle or bow up on an animal in the heat of the moment. 

If the new hunter kills an animal, I walk through the field dressing or cleaning of that animal with them. For some people, the idea of this process can be imagined to be as traumatic as the initial killing of the animal. That being said, I have found that when it really comes down to it, folks get in a zone when it comes to dealing with the animal after the initial shock that they killed it. I think the realization kicks in that the animal is now their responsibility, and they take complete  ownership of that, out of respect for the animal itself.  

Cianni learning how to skin a squirrel.

Generally, the parents of the kids I am taking out are present during the pre-hunt discussions, and for good reason. Hunting used to be something that was passed down from generations past, but it’s just not happening anymore, for a variety of reasons. I want to make sure these parents know exactly what I am teaching their children and why. It offers a sense of comfort for the parents that I care about their kids and I will do everything within my power to keep them safe. Plus, when their kids come home after a hunt, they can have discussions with them about how they are feeling and what they are thinking, especially if that child killed an animal. 

Look, even as a forty-five-year-old woman, I have to take some time to reflect on my feelings after I have shot and killed an animal, regardless if it is a squirrel that weighs two pounds, or a mule deer that weighs two-hundred pounds. The act of killing brings about powerful emotions and I fully believe in talking about those emotions after the fact. This doesn’t make anyone any less of a hunter, or weak in any way, it just makes us human. 

Committing to being a mentor for a new hunter is something that you need to be sure about, you need to understand that you are possibly the only person who is giving them the opportunity to learn the right way to do this, and if you make it a bad experience for them, simply because it’s more work than you thought it would be, you are taking that opportunity right back away from them. That’s on you and whether it is a child or an adult, it's shameful. 

I just reached out this week to a few of my local young people who I have taken out hunting the last year or two, to see if they would like to go again this year. I have one local family that I have taken four of the six kids, ages ranging from five to eighteen, either hunting, fishing or both, and I will keep doing it as long as they have an interest in going. 

Sitting with Ty on his first deer hunt, in 2020.

Mentoring to me isn’t a “one and done” situation. It is my opinion that if someone wants to learn how to hunt, you should try to give them the opportunity to hunt as many different species that your space allows. They may think they want to deer hunt, but realize after chasing turkeys a few times, that deer hunting isn’t for them and they are all about spring birds, and that is okay. It’s about answering their questions outside of hunting season, or sharing articles with them so that they may learn a new skill, or learn more about conservation. 

The biggest thing I hope people take away from what I have learned from mentoring new hunters is that you are taking responsibility for not only the way this person will progress ethically as a hunter, but you are walking a path with them that includes some heavy topics like death, firearms, the law, utilization of game meat, and how they represent all of us as hunters, in the future. You are giving them the tools to become self-sufficient and to potentially pass those tools onto someone else down the road. Your time and effort are absolutely worth it.

Obviously, this is a passion for me and it isn’t that for everyone. Hunting has changed for me in the last few years, and I attribute that to mentoring. I used to be obsessed with getting out there, being alone with my thoughts, and filling my tags. I would set aside everything else in my life for as long as necessary to do that. These days, I am sitting beside new hunters more than I am sitting alone and hunting for myself, and I’m enjoying every minute of it. 

Colby and I waiting on some whitetail, in 2019.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love my time alone in the woods, but seeing someone light up with excitement during their first hunt, or witnessing firsthand the moment they take their first animal, will always be better than my best day hunting alone.

This Is Me.

As a lot of you know, I am a pretty open-minded individual. I would go as far as saying that I am probably one of the more socially progressive people in most of the local groups I volunteer with, my small circle of local friends, my lifelong friends from childhood and even my immediate family. I mean, one of my favorite shows on TV right now is "We're Here", a show that no one I know has probably ever heard of, or would purposely sit down to watch. It's a series on HBO that has ALL the feels and the best cast! Google it to learn more. I'm also an empath, I'm learning how to be a better ally, and I always pull for the people who feel like they don't really fit in. Mainly, because I know that feeling all too well.

I have very short hair, I have broad shoulders, not much to speak up for hips, I wear a t-shirt or hoodie every day and I rarely go without wearing a ball cap. I am a forty-four-year-old female, who has spent most of my life being mistaken for a male. This is my story about a struggle I have dealt with since I was about six years old. This very well may not seem like a big deal to some, and I have even laughed it off myself at times, but it's something that has left my heart hurting, left me feeling like I am not 'enough', and at times, just made me down right angry.

My brother Mike and I, early eighties, at Grandma's house.

I was a tomboy from the start. I was extremely interested in sports at a young age, believing that I was a better athlete than any boy I would face, in any sport I would face them in. I have two older brothers, and I often joked that I was more boy than both of them put together. They were both great brothers growing up, Mike and I were closer in age, having only three years between us, so we spent the most time together. He was always more interested in reading his Dungeons & Dragons books and watching science fiction movies, while I wanted to make big ramps for my BMX bike and practice my free throws. Mike always let me tag along though, when he went to the woods to make forts with the neighbor boys, when he went to play video games with his friend Jason, or when he went to catch crawdads in the creek. He never told me I couldn't do something because I was a girl, or his little sister. That's not to say he wasn't extremely protective, because he was. But once he watched the neighbor boy run home bleeding and crying, because I punched him in the nose for shoving me, my brother had a good idea I could hold my own, by the time I was seven.

My dad was and is, my biggest fan though. If you know me at all, you know how close we are and what he means to me. Like my brother, he never held me back or discouraged me from doing anything I wanted to do, solely because I was a girl. I think he got a lot of satisfaction from watching me prove people wrong and he always encouraged me to compete. I played Biddy Basketball and soccer, early on, and dad never missed a practice or game. When I was nine, I won the Montgomery County Youth Soccer League's Most Valuable Player award, out of a league almost entirely made up of boys. I think my dad was the proudest human on the planet when we got that phone call. I, was of course, very proud also, although I was most excited about the brand-new orange and black soccer ball I received for winning.

But those amazing childhood memories did not come without having my feelings hurt on a regular basis. I suppose it was almost entirely based on how I looked, or the clothes I chose to wear, more than how I performed on the court, or the field. I had short hair, cut similar to the way my brother wore his. I always had on shorts and a t-shirt, sneakers and socks pulled up to my knees, because that's how the guys in the NBA wore theirs, and if I was ever going to make it to the NBA, I needed to look the part, right? This drove my mother nuts. Granted, she would often remind me how disappointed she was, because she finally (and unexpectedly, yes, I was an accident) had a little girl, and I dressed and acted just like a boy. She would buy me yellow and peach colored tops and I would hide them in the back of the closet, like they didn't exist. She wanted me to have long hair and get a perm in it, so I would look more like a girl. I can remember her saying that she felt jealous, due to how close I was with my dad, rather than with her. Mom and I didn't have the greatest relationship from early on, for a variety of reasons. When mom left and my parents divorced, I was almost twelve, and Mike was fifteen, so we were given the opportunity by the judge to choose which parent we wanted to live with. We both chose to go with dad. For me it was a no brainer, he never made me feel like I wasn't who I was supposed to be or that I needed to be something else. For my brother, I think he just wanted to try to keep as much of the family together as possible, but he was more torn about everything than I was. 

My Biddy Basketball days.

During those years between about six and twelve years of age, I was accused of being a boy almost every single day. Back in the early eighties, there really wasn't a name for it, now days that is called being misgendered. Kids would approach me in the church parking lot, behind my Grandma Stites' house in Crawfordsville, where I used to shoot baskets most days. They would do a lot of whispering, then one of them would be pushed forward by the others and ask if I was a boy or a girl. I would tell them with much certainty, that I was a girl, but they never believed me. They said I looked like a boy and played basketball like a boy, so I had to be a boy. Sometimes I would get my brother to tell them I was a girl, I figured they would believe him, but other days, I felt like short of pulling down my pants, they weren't going to believe me. And no, I never went to that extreme. 

Things changed a little bit when I hit puberty and my body started to change. And by the way, I was mortified to have boobs and I am not going to lie, I still dislike them, immensely. I would wear baggy shirts to hide them, because part of me felt like they were ruining my life. Ridiculous, I know, but I was twelve and thirteen years old, so it felt like the world was ending. By the time I got through middle school, I had started to let my hair grow out, because you know, hormones and boys. I always liked boys, as friends, boyfriends, best friends, competitors and teammates. There was never any question regarding my sexuality, at least not by me. There was never an attraction for other girls, nor was there never a feeling that I wished, or felt like, I was a boy. There still isn't, so if you are reading this expecting a big reveal, you are going to be disappointed! 

I got through high school, dating and a few serious relationships in my late teens and early twenties, and decided I wanted to cut some of my hair off, not super short, but just shorter. I got married to a shitty human, which in hindsight, wasn't one of my better life decisions, but his abusive tendencies didn't reveal themselves until after we married. During that eleven-year train wreck, he always wanted me to go get my nails done, he would buy me jewelry that I never wore, or even liked. He should have had ownership in Victoria Secret, as he was constantly bringing home bags of slinky bras and underwear for me. Much like the tops I hid in my closet as a child, they were never worn. He always wanted me to be more feminine, dress sexier, be more womanlike.  It reminded me so much of my childhood and how I was never the little girl that my mother wanted. I was never enough.

One day, in my late twenties, I was walking out of the mall in Lafayette, wearing a pair of mesh basketball shorts, a t-shirt and a ball cap. I was minding my own business, when three girls, who looked to be, maybe twenty years old, give or take a year or two, started making comments. You know when your friends are teasing you and they pretend to sneeze while saying 'bullshit', or whatever word that is fitting at the time, to mock you? Well, these girls did that, looking right at me, but instead of saying bullshit or something funny, they said 'lesbian' and 'dyke', while laughing and running into the mall. I looked around, not realizing immediately that they were talking to me, then I was mortified, when I realized they were. I sat in my truck in that hot parking lot for probably ten minutes, trying to process what had just happened. The longer I sat, the more pissed I got. But I wasn't pissed because they assumed something that wasn't true about me, I was pissed because in that moment, I realized that there are millions of people who deal with this hatred and vitriol on a daily basis, and they cannot escape it. I felt bad for feeling embarrassed about being mistaken for someone in the LGBTQ community. I had friends who were part of that community and it broke my heart to know firsthand, what they had to deal with, although I would never know completely.

Another incident that I remember well, happened in my early thirties, while working in Lafayette. A group of us were in the Garden Center, and since it was winter, and we weren't busy, we were standing around talking. I can't remember precisely what was being discussed, but someone said that they needed me to look at something, because they needed a woman's opinion on it. Without missing a beat, my best friend at the time said "Well, Cindy's opinion doesn't count, because she's not a real woman." My heart sank. I could not believe what she said, but I was more embarrassed that everyone heard her say it. I laughed it off in front of everyone, but I was very hurt, and I don't think I will ever forget it. I have also been told by someone else one time that it was refreshing that I wasn't a hot chick, that I was just a cool person, with a personality. Um...Thank you??

And now at forty four, I am a middle-aged woman, a girlfriend of almost eight years to Chance, a bonus mom to Cianni, and someone who has gained confidence in who I am and what I stand for, and I am still being misgendered, almost weekly. I have been called sir, as recent as last week, at Kroger. I went to vote in our state's primary last month and the older gentleman who signed me in, called me over to his table by addressing me as "sir, or ma'am, or whatever you are". No shit, I am serious as a heart attack that that is exactly what he said to me. I was in a t-shirt and shorts, with a ball cap. Yes, my hair is very short now, pretty much a pixie cut, but for Pete's sake, if you looked at me for even a second, from the front, it was obvious I was a woman. And who says that? Why not say "step forward please", or simply just "next" if you aren't sure? But he said it, and he said it in front of about ten other people. Not that it matters, but I was as nice as a human could be to that fella, I didn't want to return the nastiness in any way, shape or form. Usually, the people who have misgendered me feel more embarrassed than I do in that moment, because I am used to it, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, after the fact.

Chance and I on Lake Michigan

I deal with this constantly. Even at home. I love my boyfriend, he is always joking, rarely does he not have someone laughing about something. He thinks it is hilarious every time someone calls me sir, or mister, or mistakes me for a man. He has gotten in the habit of calling me 'dude' on a regular basis and made comments about how he would like to have a 'girlfriend with long hair.' I know that he is just saying what he does because he knows it gets my goat, and he's teasing, but it still stings when I hear that. Like I said, I love him, but I think I am making it abundantly clear, that while he is quite the funny guy, he can quit with the 'dude' jokes. 

So, why am I telling my story, and why now? In case you live under a rock, June is Pride Month for the LGBTQ+ community. I will never know what it is like to live as a gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer person, but I have a tiny sense of what it feels like to be ridiculed, bullied and and made fun of, as if I did. If there was ever a social movement, or group of people I felt I aligned with, the LGBTQ+ community is it. My experiences with people who are not accepting of others who don't fit their idea of social norms, has made me hyper aware of the hurt that words and assumptions can cause someone, even if it is meant as a lighthearted joke or it isan innocent mistake. I have always been more comfortable around guys, I have never felt like I fit in at typical female oriented event, like a wedding or bridal shower, Lularoe or Mary Kay parties, or a girl's shopping trip. I have never worn make-up, I don't feel comfortable in a dress, and I don't own a pair of heels. I knew as a young girl that I never wanted to have children, not a fiber of my being felt that urge, ever. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change the time I have had with Cianni for anything in the world, she is everything to me. I will live and die in my t-shirts and hoodies, I'd rather be hiking in the woods alone, then laying by the pool in a two piece with the girls, and if you challenge me in a free throw contest, I will still probably kick your ass.

Deer Camp, 2018 (photo by: Lindsey Mulcare)

Deer Camp in Montana is the only place I have felt like I truly belonged, with regards to an event welcoming all women, including cis and transgender women, and nonbinary folks, and ironically, it's based around an activity that has traditionally been dominated by men. I was mortified of going and hanging out with a bunch of women, but I quickly realized that at camp, we are all just hunters, and anglers, and foragers, and storytellers, and we aren't expected to act any certain way. I also feel proud that, as a mentor back home, I can teach young girls AND boys how to hunt, shoot archery and skin a squirrel. We need to stay true to ourselves and go out and do things that make us happy, regardless of the activity being considered by society as masculine or feminine. Thank goodness for my dad and my brother for instilling that in me from a very young age, because of them, I have never wavered with who I am, and I have never felt obligated to change, because society thought I wasn't doing 'female' right. I only hope I can instill that in the young people I get to work with in the future.

My biggest supporter, my dad.

I will be called sir again, I am sure of it, but I will continue to wear my favorite ball caps, whenever I choose, and I won't apologize for it. I will not grow my hair out, because this is the most "me" cut I have ever had, and I do not think I should have to have long hair to be accepted as a woman. Everyone has the right to feel good and be themselves. Everyone has the right to live their best, most authentic life. 

I am doing just that, and so are my friends in the LGBTQ+ community, and I bet it hasn't hurt YOU, or complicated YOUR life in the slightest, so why not just let people live and love the way that makes them happiest? The world would be a more joyful, peaceful place, if we did. Halleloo!

Volunteering: Discovering Your Purpose, Finding Balance and Knowing When to Step Aside

I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to figure out what my purpose was, why I was put on this earth. I had friends who were nurses, doctors, teachers, and the like, and in my mind, they were doing things that mattered. I have worked in the horticulture industry for twenty-five years now and it has been a struggle to feel like I have made any kind of impact during that time. I can't claim that I saved anyone's life by planting a tree or taught any kind of life lesson to anyone while scheduling a big commercial landscape project. Yes, I have trained folks on the finer points of pruning and planting, but has it made an impact? I sure hope so, but I just don't have any proof, and that has left me feeling unfulfilled for many years.

In the last eighteen months I started volunteering for various causes. I had never volunteered for anything significant before, and I entered this new world with an immense amount of trepidation and uncertainty. I was first asked to get certified to be a 4-H archery instructor, and then almost instantaneously, asked to get certified to be a Hunter Education instructor. I said yes in both instances, a move that for an introvert, was very unlike anything I would have ever done before that moment, and I still can't explain what made me agree to do either.

A brand new Hunter Education instructor 2018

Around that same time, I was part of a conference call with some fellow Hoosiers who were interested in starting a Backcountry Hunters & Anglers chapter in our state. We had reached the threshold for number of members needed in order to start a chapter, so we had to form a board of directors. I had zero intentions on being on any type of board, I was certain of that going into the phone call. I simply wanted to have a chapter in Indiana so I could get involved in some work days and be part of something that was gaining steam across the country. BHA was growing exponentially and I believe in the mission of protecting and advocating for our public lands, I just didn't intend on doing it in a formal manner. However, once again, in a move completely out of character, I threw my name in the mix when they were asking for anyone who would step up and be a board member. A few months after that, I was invited to be a 2% for Conservation Regional Committee Member, a position I applied for, being that I was already a 2% Certified individual.

2% For Conservation Certified

One of the cool things about volunteering, is that you get to meet so many amazing people along the way. One of those folks asked for one or two new BHA board members to attend, or be apart of, groups that he was involved with, to make sure we were able to give input or be made aware of things going on in the state legislature, regarding sportsmen and women. So, I started attending quarterly the Indiana Sportsman's Rountable meetings and that led to being looped into the Indiana Conservation Alliance. There were so many great people involved with these groups and organizations that I had a hard time saying "no" to anyone who asked me to give my time for their cause. I am also a Hunt To Eat Brand Ambassador, which is something I am very proud of, and happy to do.

Hunt To Eat booth, BHA Rendezvous, Boise, ID - May 2019

Meetings and conference calls started to add up, in addition to work days and pint nights, emails and app notifications that needed prompt attention. I spent the better part of four consecutive days last February at the Indiana Deer, Turkey and Waterfowl Expo, splitting time between the BHA booth and the Hunter Education booth. I gave the keynote speech at the Indiana R3 Summit not long after that and vowed to never speak in public again, only to turn around and stand in front of the Indiana Natural Resources Commission a few months later, on behalf of BHA, and read an official statement in defense of keeping Salamonie State Forest, a state forest, instead of the proposed state park. I wasn't real shot in the ass about doing it, but I was the only one who could sneak away from work and make our statement in the middle of the day. I went to Boise in May to represent Indiana BHA and to volunteer my time helping Hunt To Eat, in their booth. I spent every Tuesday night at the fairgrounds for fifteen weeks, from six to eight pm, working with the 4-H archery kiddos and then worked the fair during their tournament. I spent entire weekends this past fall, in August and September, at Ross Camp, for Hunter Ed Advanced Academy and then the fall Shooting Sports workshop. I helped teach fall and spring Hunter Education classes in my county, which run Friday evening and all day on Saturday, I volunteered a Saturday in October to teach archery to the public at the Fall Colors Festival, at McCloud Nature Park. Then I was asked to give the keynote speech at the Indiana Pheasants Forever State Meeting in January, and with a knot in my stomach, I accepted. I was back at Ross Camp for the weekend at the beginning of February for the Shooting Sports planning meeting. Right before I went to Ross Camp, I was contacted and asked to join the International Caribou Foundation's Board of Directors as their Communications Advisor. And just this past Saturday, at the Hoosier Outdoor Writers Annual Meeting, I was approached about joining the Citizen's Advisory Board for the Indiana Turn in A Poacher (TIP) program.

Talking with my friend and ICO, Tony Mann, whom I met through Hunter Education

I never imagined that I, the girl who didn't like crowds, the girl who would rather keep to herself, and the girl who had never volunteered for practically anything in her life, would be so involved after saying "yes" that one time, almost a year and a half ago, would actually have to scale back and start saying "no". Knowing what the last eighteen months have been like, and how thinly I have spread myself between the non-profit groups I dearly love, and my family, whom I happen to love even more, I knew something had to give. This however, is the hard part. The constant going and doing is easy for me because I love what I am doing. Walking away from something would be really tough.

Working with students in the Hunter Education classes that I have helped teach and working with my 4-H kids each week at our archery shoots, are the two most gratifying things I have ever been a part of. I never imagined that I would feel so strongly about one program, let alone two. The people I volunteer alongside in the Hunter Education Association and the Indiana 4-H Shooting Sports State Team are the lifeblood of these organizations, they are a family, and they are the folks who make it all work. The Indiana BHA team is a strong one and we have learned a ton in the last year. Our chapter is growing and more folks are becoming aware of who we are and what we want to protect.  I am impressed every single day at how in tune these guys are with current legislative issues and how they take action when it is needed. I have been reading up on Caribou, where they once were, and why they are no longer there. The more research I do, I find myself being drawn to learn even more. I find myself feeling a loss for an animal from what seems like a far off place, that I knew nothing about, only a month ago. This is a cause that needs more attention, one that needs to be discussed and talked about in the same way people once talked about the declining deer herds, or the almost extirpated bison. Can you imagine if the Mule Deer or Whitetail were suddenly gone from the lower forty-eight states? How different would our mindset be? What urgency would we, as hunters, suddenly feel?

What it comes down to is choices. A wise man named Jared Frasier reminded me, that when you try to give your time and resources to too many orgs., you are not only being unfair to yourself, but you are being unfair to the orgs. Volunteers are critical to non-profit organizations, and you can make a huge difference by just giving a little bit of your time to a group you feel passionate about. You don't have to go "all-in" like I have, as a matter of fact, I don't recommend it. Before you realize what is happening, your calendar fills up and you are being pulled in multiple directions. And no matter how much you are enjoying the process in that moment, it can, and it will, catch up with you. It's called BURN OUT. So I have decided to step down, and back, from one of the two most time consuming commitments I have, in order to not only give my best to the remaining groups, but so that I can also spend more time with my boyfriend of seven and a half years, Chance, and my bonus kiddo, Cianni. Balance is critical in all aspects of life and I was leaning harder toward my volunteer obligations, and leaning away from the very people I love most. Weekend after weekend away from home, speaking engagements, meetings, working events, etc. were starting to wear thin on my other half. So before I ruined a relationship with the very person who got me into hunting to begin with, I took a step back to evaluate the situation and my priorities, and to make some important decisions.

Myself, Cianni and Chance

I will be focusing and spending my time on the groups that I feel like I can have the most impact and where I can hopefully make the biggest difference. The Hunter Education Association and the Indiana 4-H Shooting Sports programs are local, state based organizations that don't have the immense backing, whether it be volunteers, donations, or the notoriety, that a lot of the national organizations like NWTF, Pheasants Forever, or BHA do. Some of the folks who have been Hunter Education or Shooting Sports instructors have been giving their time and their dollars for upwards of thirty years. The amount of hours that this small group of volunteers is giving is to be applauded. But they need help. They need more people to step up, and quite frankly to just say "yes" to volunteering. There are spring and fall Shooting Sports workshop weekends, Hunter Education classes to be taught all over the state, putting on the Becoming an Outdoors Woman camp, two conservation based summer camps for kids than run over three weeks, the weekly shoots at the local 4-H clubs, work weekends at Ross Camp, Hunter Education Academy weekend, NASP tournament, State Fair and Deer and Turkey Expo booth volunteer opportunities and so much more. And it's always the same people showing up to make all of these things happen. My heart tells me that my time is best spent where it is most needed.

Volunteering in the archery booth at the Fall Colors Festival - October 2019

I recently joined the Board of Directors for the International Caribou Foundation as the Communications Advisor. I have a lot to learn, but like I mentioned before, I am now aware of the importance of bringing awareness and attention to these animals. If we don't give them the same attention and funding that we do other species who were once in decline, they will be disappear before our very eyes, and I'm not just talking about what we have already lost in the lower forty eight.

I plan on being a Hunt To Eat Ambassador until they kick me out, so there's that. The clothing designs are fantastic and tastefully done, I could seriously live in the hoodies, but that's not the best part about this company. The ethos that surrounds the Hunt To Eat brand is something that I feel and believe, in the depths of my soul. Hunting is for everyone, food and the outdoors can bring everyone together, regardless of your skin color, your religion, your sexual orientation, or your social class and we need to encourage that. And it should be noted, the amount of time and money Hunt To Eat puts back in conservation is a business model many brands could, and should, follow.

Lastly, against my better judgement, and at the risk of embarrassing myself, I will continue to do speaking engagements and accept podcast invitations to tell my story. It makes me horribly uncomfortable to speak in front of a crowd, but if it will encourage folks to not only become volunteers for cause they believe in, but to also give anyone who has faced an unimaginable situation in their life, the hope they need, to fight through it and move on to bigger and better things in life. Because if I can do it, anyone can.

Our first Indiana BHA Chapter Pint Night 2018

So, this means I have to give a few things up. I am stepping down as Co-Chair for Indiana's BHA chapter and resigning from the Board of Directors. I hate to do it, but there is a group of guys steering the ship for Indiana that are as sharp as a tack and they are going to take our chapter to great places. This means I will no longer be attending the Indiana Sportsman's Roundtable meetings, nor will I be involved with the Indiana Conservation Alliance (which I was failing miserably at, by the way), as a representative of Indiana BHA. My goal, with regards to BHA, was to get a chapter started in my state. I, along with others, hounded Ty Stubblefield with emails, until he finally gave us the green light. We worked our tails off to meet the requirements needed and I was proud as a peacock to be sitting in the crowd, in Boise Idaho, during the 2018 BHA Rendezvous, when he announced that we were official. I won't soon forget that feeling and sense of pride. But now it's time for me to step aside and let the next passionate public landowner get in there and get their hands dirty. I will continue to advocate for our public lands both near and far, but I will do so from the sidelines.

Randy Newberg and I, BHA Rendezvous, Boise, ID - May 2019

I will leave you with this concept, as described by someone whose actions unknowingly guide me as a newer conservationist, Mr. Randy Newberg: Conservation is never easy, it is always difficult. It is never convenient, things pop up at the worst, most inopportune times. And it is never comfortable, it causes conflict at times and not everyone will agree with you. Randy is right, but another thing I agree with Randy on, is that conservation is absolutely worth it. We aren't giving our time and our dollars for ourselves, or what we are going to get out of it, we are doing it for the generations to come. I told Drew YoungDyke last week while recording his podcast, that I honestly don't feel like I am doing anything special by volunteering for the different conservation-oriented organizations, because anyone can do exactly what I am doing. I also told him, and I am absolutely sincere when I say this, I don't care if anyone ever knows my name or can pick me out of a line-up. I only care about the possibility, that by sharing my volunteer experiences with others, via social media or this blog, and spreading the joy it brings me, along with the real impact volunteering can make, that it will encourage someone else to do the same.

Volunteering in the Hunter Education booth at the Deer, Turkey & Waterfowl Expo - Feb. 2019

I mentioned at the beginning of this piece that I had struggled to find my purpose in life. And while it may have taken me a little longer than some, I finally feel like I have an idea now, what it is. Volunteering is no longer something I am afraid of doing, it is something that I look forward to, and get excited about, because I believe in the causes I am working hard for, and I believe in the people I am working alongside. Lives are being changed every time a volunteer gives some of their time to help someone else learn a new skill, or teaches a new hunter to be safe in the woods, or educates someone on a species that is in trouble, or how to advocate effectively for our public lands. Be a volunteer, one of the lives you change, might just be your own.